


The Stag Battle

by risingfire17



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Animals, BBC Earth - Freeform, Crack, Crack and Angst, Dubious Consent, F/M, POV Animal, Stag Beetles, Talking Animals, Unhealthy Relationships, all the characters are animals, because Prussia, but it happens all the time with beetles so it's ok, kind of, nature documentary inspired, prussia ships all the gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:54:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26130730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/risingfire17/pseuds/risingfire17
Summary: The quest to mate for male stag beetles involves seemingly endless tree climbing interspersed with high-stakes (literally) battles where the loser can fall from a hundred feet! Despite the risks, Prussia is determined to reach the top and occupy Hungary's vital regions!
Relationships: Hungary/Prussia (Hetalia)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 7





	The Stag Battle

**Author's Note:**

  * For [StarlingChild4](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarlingChild4/gifts).



> So I've been on this kick of writing fics based on BBC Earth videos, and then my bestie challenged me to write a Hetalia and BBC Earth crossover fic. So here it is: the world's most crack fic (Okay there are probably fics more crack than this but it's a lot of crack!) Video in end notes
> 
> TW: There is some non-con sex here but that's normal for stag beetles (although I felt a little awkward writing it when I remembered I'm making these beetles sentient) ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Prussia scowled at the massive height of the tree Hungary had climbed up.  _ Tch, she must really be pissed at me this time,  _ he thought, remembering their most recent fight. His head still ached where she had clocked him with a huge pan-shaped pebble. Sure, his exoskeleton protected his internal organs, but it still left him with a headache that hadn’t abated even after a nap! Good thing Prussia knew the perfect cure for headaches!  _ Just you wait, Hungary, I’ll occupy your vital regions! _

__

Cocky grin on his face, he started up the tree, determined to get to Hungary before any other male stag beetles. And if he found any along the way, he’d thrown them over the edge so hard they regretted ever dragging their sorry asses up _his_ Hungary’s tree!

The first challenger to his claim on Hungary came in the form of Austria. The bougie brat likely heard they’d fought again and decided to steal her away again. It had been a pattern the three of them had been repeating as far back as Prussia could remember. But not today. Because this time, Austria had been caught. And Austria could never win a fair fight with him. He’d get his ass kicked and then go cry to Switzerland. _Geez, just marry Switz and get out of my jaws already!_

__

Prussia swooped down on his opportunistic competitor and got right to fighting, lashing Austria with his long sword-like jaws while simultaneously blocking the dude’s pathetic counterattack. The two danced around on the narrow branch, each desperately trying to lodge their freakishly long jaws under the other’s wings. Prussia smirked; he knew for a fact that his own jaws were longer than Austria’s! This fight was his!

Prussia almost had Austria over the edge when the latter grabbed onto his jaws. After the headache Hungary had given him earlier, the sudden weight on his facial muscles was most unwelcome.

“Ugh, get off me! Just admit defeat already!”

“Wait! I give, okay? Just don’t throw me over!”

“Oh come on! It’s only like 50 feet! Even your weak-ass exoskeleton can take it!”

“But…” Austria gulped, looking pathetic. “I’m…afraid of heights.”

Prussia roared with laughter that almost made this whole ordeal worth the effort. “Sucks to be you, then!” And with that, he dislodged his jaws from Austria’s and watched the latter fall. “Long. Live. The KING!!!!”

“I won’t forget thiiiiiiiiisssssss!” came the scream from increasingly far below. _Yeah, whatever,_ thought Prussia as he regained his own footing and continued on his way.

The next beetle he saw was Germany, climbing the tree in a steady march. “So, you’re trying to steal Hungary from me too? I thought I could have more trust for you than this, Brother!”

Germany broke his perfect rank to respond. “What the hell are you even talking about, you moron? I’m practicing my drills! Which reminds me, have you seen Italy?”

“Don’t know, don’t care!” shouted Prussia as he rushed to fight Germany. Okay, admittedly, the guy probably wasn’t lying. He hardly ever spoke to anyone, let alone Hungary, outside of Italy. He was probably gay for the kid but too prudish to admit it. But still, he hated the perfect little brother who was always showing him up, and that was as good a reason as any to throw him off the tree.

The two struggled for some time before Prussia finally got Germany over the edge. Germany held onto Prussia’s jaws, trying to swing his feet back on the branch and calling him an idiot. _Ugh, everyone’s giving me a damn headache today!_ Finally, he just gave up and rolled his eyes, sailing through the air toward the ground below.

Next, Prussia took out Romania, who angrily screamed that he didn’t even like Hungary as he was flung over the edge and cursed when he hit a branch on his way down. After him was Poland, who insisted he was just minding his own business and that he was way too pretty to pay attention to Hungary anyway. He also got launched over the edge. Right after him came Lithuania, who had tried to run after he saw Poland’s fate, but Prussia was on a roll. Besides, it was always the quiet ones. Letting someone escape just because they seemed shy and compliant got beetles backstabbed.

Prussia was nearing the top of the tree, and almost to his goal. Hungary rested a few branches up, unaware of the valiant battles he was fighting for her sake. There was only one more beetle standing between them, and it was one he was surprised to see: Belarus. _What the hell is she doing here?_ He briefly considered letting her go; after all, it wasn’t like she’d be going after Hungary, right? She was way too busy obsessing over Big Brother Russia to do that!

But then she opened her mouth and he changed his mind. “You’re not getting to Hungary!”

“Oh, and why the hell not?”

“Because you were a jerk to her!”

“Me? _She’s_ the one who almost killed _me_ with a damn rock!”

“You deserved it!” She pulled some sharpened twigs from under her abdomen and lunged forward. “She’s going with me and Russia now! _He’ll_ take care of her now!”

Prussia jumped out of the way just in time to avoid being stabbed. Belarus certainly found creative ways to compensate for her short womanly jaws. _Damn, this chick is crazy!_ He’d wanted to go easy on her, but she was probably the most dangerous one of the bunch he’d faced. _Fine then._

__

As she swung around for a second attack, he sidestepped her and swooped his jaws under her unguarded abdomen. He launched her into the air with just seconds to spare to avoid an eye stabbing. As she fell, she swore to him that both he and Hungary would become one with Russia. He shuddered involuntarily; those two were terrifying sometimes. But, remembering he was now clear to get to Hungary, he brushed it off.

When he stepped victoriously onto Hungary’s top branch, he let out a maniacal laugh, which Hungary met with a scowl.

“Don’t think I won’t hit you again, you jerk!” Prussia briefly scanned the area to make sure there were no pebbles within her reach. When he was reassured there were none, he continued.

“That’s rich, after I came all this way to apologize!”

“Apology NOT accepted! Now get lost!” Get lost? After all he’d gone through just to get to her? Screw that!

“Not happening! I’m going to occupy your vital regions!”

“Screw you, you arrogant licentious fuckstick! What makes you think I’d have you right now?!?!”

“Tch, stop being dramatic, princess! I said sorry, let’s just kiss and make up already!”

And so he chased her around the branch a few times as she screamed insults at him. She was pissed when he finally clamped his jaws in front of her like a cage and mounted her. She still cursed him and threatened him with death, but eventually she gave in and even enjoyed herself. She always did. It was just the usual messed-up game they played. Messed up, like everything else about them. But he’d take it. He’d take her. He’d take them. Every single time.

He shook his head, unwilling to let such annoyingly heavy thoughts distract him from the elation he should feel about his victory! It had been a rough, battle-ridden journey up this damn tree, not something just any stag beetle could do after all! Oh yeah, he was _the_ stag beetle! He snickered as he released Hungary from her cage.

“What the hell are you smirking about! Screw you!”

“I mean, we just did that, but if you insist on going again—” His joke was cut off by her fist in his face, reigniting the pain where she’d hit him earlier. He may want her every single time, but right now he wanted to be as far away from her as possible before they killed each other.

He picked her up and launched her off the tree, a string of curses following her down. Okay, that may have been going a bit far, but she’d be fine. And after all the fights he’d been in today, old habits die hard! 

**Author's Note:**

> Learn more about stag beetles here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XI8WU9ReFG0&list=WL&index=3


End file.
